The Enigma of Expectations

In my line of work I’ve noticed a recurring theme – expectations are the cause of a lot of unhappiness.  Old Webster defines expectation as – "a belief that something will happen or is likely to happen."  Whether you realize it or not your life is often filled with expectations.  If I had to guess, I would venture to say that in every relationship you are involved in there are expectations.  Your parents or guardians expect you to clean your room, help around the house, and get good marks/grades.  Your teachers expect you to finish your homework, study for tests, and pay attention in class.  Your friends expect you to text, chat, call them, as well as lots of other things.  Your significant other usually has a plethora of expectations.  Expectations in and of themselves are not a bad thing.  However, problems usually arise for two reasons:   

First, somebody in the relationship has what the other person considers ‘unrealistic’ expectations.  Your parents want you to excel in every class.  While this may be possible, this puts a lot of pressure on you to meet your parents' or guardians' expectations.  A simple mistake and those negative emotions tend to creep into your life (i.e. I’m stupid.  How could I make that mistake? They’ve done so much for me, why can’t I live up to their expectations?   I’m not good enough.)  Of all the people I’ve met so far, no one would ever want a loved one to feel that way.  However, we have learned to be disappointed and feel like garbage if we are unable to meet the expectations of others.
  

Second, and perhaps the more common of the problems – expectations are never clearly communicated.  How often have you had a conversation with the people in your life about expectations?  Have you asked your parents what they expect from you?  Have you asked your teachers or coaches about their expectations?  Have you spoken with your friends?  Just as importantly, have you shared your expectations with your children, spouse, significant other, friends, co-workers, etc.?  Far too often we fall short of the expectations of others not on purpose, but because we never even knew it was an expectation.  Or, the expectation was not clearly communicated.

The more clear we are with those around us about our expectations the more clarity we gain into what is expected of us.  With the clarity choices become easier.  Now, instead of letting someone down without even knowing it, we are able to make a decision, knowing full well that we may not be living up to someone else’s expectations.

So, I expect after reading this, you will have the courage to go out and have conversations with those you care about regarding your expectations as well as their expectations.

January Newsletter - Do or Do Not

January Newsletter

Children are educated by what the grown-up is and not by his talk.
Carl Jung

I see so many young people out there struggling to find themselves. They struggle with confidence, consistency, communication and most importantly who they are in this crazy World.

My wife is a big fan of Cesar Milan (the Dog Whisperer) and will spend an afternoon watching the marathon of episode after episode amazed at how a dog can change his behavior because of the owner changing his. I giggle often thinking this show is not about the dogs, it is about the people. I find that the youth of today is very similar. They act as we act, they think as we think, they communicate as we do. The struggles we watch in our children, are they different from our own?

I am a firm believer that we are products of our environment. I was working with a company recently and the CEO  was telling me about some past job experiences he had, the negative atmosphere, the gossip, the complaining of employees about be over worked and underpaid. We chuckled about this because as he stated, "I had to leave, it was causing me to be the same way, it was difficult for me to go home and feel good."

In the sporting World the success or disappointment is about the belief and ultimately the actions of the group, starting with the grown ups (coaches and parents). If you watch any kind of team sport, the success they encounter is because of the culture. If they believe they are good and can compete for the Championship, most times they are in the hunt. Listen to the coach, the players, the words they use are positive and upbeat even after a loss. They have the mindset of a Champion in thinking that they can. The little engine that could? YES!

In your daily life how much are you in a bad spot? How much do you think of the negative, or engage in the gossip or complain about the situation? Over the course of the day with all of those thoughts, where do you find most of yours lead you? Now take a look at your team, do they do the same thing. Are the arguments like a broken record? Is the insanity of it happening over and over causing you to THINK poorly? The youth of today is extremely bright, they are in tune with so many things that happen around them even when it seems like they are not paying attention. They spend the majority of their time thinking of negative emotions (doubting themselves, fearful of speaking the truth, unable to be who they really want to be) and it is all because of their environments. School, locker room, home all contribute to their actions. We understand so little about how to get out of the box we spend so much time in. The more we do it, the more we fear trying to escape the insanity. We have become a product of the environments we have to participate in.

Some things I have learned to help change the culture, to get out of the box, to be unique and not try to fit into a culture that spends so much time talking about all the things that are wrong:

1. Stop reading and listening to the news. (they preach fear and doubt for that is what sells and keeps ratings)
2. Make a list of the things you want to change-then start to THINK of what you can do to change them.
3. Have conversations that matter. (talk about the struggles, let people know what upsets you, so they can avoid acting that way around you)
4. Do something good for yourself on a daily basis. (don't think of all the things people don't offer to you, do them for yourself, it is your life and how you feel is YOUR responsibility)
5. Laugh. (It truly is the best medicine, and you KNOW it)

If the dog is stressed and aggressive, you have to be the calm and dominate influence, it is the same thing for us humans, someone has got to do it, why not you?

"DO OR DO NOT, THERE IS NO TRY"-Master Yoda

Respectfully

Bob Wilkie