The Enigma of Expectations

In my line of work I’ve noticed a recurring theme – expectations are the cause of a lot of unhappiness.  Old Webster defines expectation as – "a belief that something will happen or is likely to happen."  Whether you realize it or not your life is often filled with expectations.  If I had to guess, I would venture to say that in every relationship you are involved in there are expectations.  Your parents or guardians expect you to clean your room, help around the house, and get good marks/grades.  Your teachers expect you to finish your homework, study for tests, and pay attention in class.  Your friends expect you to text, chat, call them, as well as lots of other things.  Your significant other usually has a plethora of expectations.  Expectations in and of themselves are not a bad thing.  However, problems usually arise for two reasons:   

First, somebody in the relationship has what the other person considers ‘unrealistic’ expectations.  Your parents want you to excel in every class.  While this may be possible, this puts a lot of pressure on you to meet your parents' or guardians' expectations.  A simple mistake and those negative emotions tend to creep into your life (i.e. I’m stupid.  How could I make that mistake? They’ve done so much for me, why can’t I live up to their expectations?   I’m not good enough.)  Of all the people I’ve met so far, no one would ever want a loved one to feel that way.  However, we have learned to be disappointed and feel like garbage if we are unable to meet the expectations of others.
  

Second, and perhaps the more common of the problems – expectations are never clearly communicated.  How often have you had a conversation with the people in your life about expectations?  Have you asked your parents what they expect from you?  Have you asked your teachers or coaches about their expectations?  Have you spoken with your friends?  Just as importantly, have you shared your expectations with your children, spouse, significant other, friends, co-workers, etc.?  Far too often we fall short of the expectations of others not on purpose, but because we never even knew it was an expectation.  Or, the expectation was not clearly communicated.

The more clear we are with those around us about our expectations the more clarity we gain into what is expected of us.  With the clarity choices become easier.  Now, instead of letting someone down without even knowing it, we are able to make a decision, knowing full well that we may not be living up to someone else’s expectations.

So, I expect after reading this, you will have the courage to go out and have conversations with those you care about regarding your expectations as well as their expectations.

Dreaming of the NHL - To Be or Not To Be

I have worked with Sam for about two years now. I have seen him come out of his shell and develop self confidence and with that a chance to progress to the next level. It is only because of his commitment and hard work that he is where he is... The question all hockey players who are striving to achieve have to ask is

To be or not to be?  That is the question.

I know that it was a question I asked myself over and over even after I was a pro. Sam shared his thoughts and I cannot thank him enough, I as always hope you enjoy hearing from a young man who is living it!

All my life I have always wanted to play in the NHL and strive to reach the goals that are required along the way; PW 1, Bantam AAA, Midget AAA and Jr. I have had my fair share of ups and downs, often not making the highest team possible in my first year in a given age group as well as never playing Bantam AAA. I spent most of my minor hockey career having to prove myself at lower levels just to get a chance at the next step to again prove myself and earn some ice time. In pretty much every case I was successful, it was really hard and every time without fail I caught myself thinking if I really wanted to do this for the rest of my life. I mean if no one else thought I was good enough why should I.

This year when I came to Bonnyville to play Junior hockey, I came with a lot of confidence having played the last two years at Midget AAA and earning a prominent role on the team. However, I was rudely awakened with how much harder I would have to work, again I caught myself questioning if this was for me. The main camp and fitness testing were hard but that was expected, it was once we got into practices that were 2, 2 1/2 hours long, with a skate at the end that really hit me. Not only is this league bigger, faster, stronger but I find myself with a coach who coaches a style of hockey I have never really found myself in.

He, not unreasonably, expects me to get pucks deep and put everything on net as well as finish every check. I don’t have my line mate of two years who I had created quite a bit of chemistry with and I’m playing 3rd and 4th line minutes with guys who I don’t have chemistry with yet. Overall this has been one of the hardest experiences of my life. Being away from home is hard but its not even as hard as the pressure I feel from myself and the team. I know I’m not playing my best hockey yet, but I can feel it coming. Every time I feel like quitting and going home the thoughts of how hard I have worked to get here and how close I am come creeping up. Even when I am sure I am done, a little voice in my head just won’t let me quit, I can't even tell you why for sure, I simply can't.

I know it is hard now, but my experiences in the past have helped make it easier for me to overcome challenges, I see this as just that another challenge. A challenge to show the coach I can be a first line guy, not in a year or two but right now, a challenge to show all the people who have cut me in the past that I can play at the next level and to challenge myself to prove that I can battle through adversity and that never again in my life will I be satisfied with taking the easy way out.

Even as I type this I can feel myself just wanting to go back home and go to school, sleep in, and hangout with friends. For whatever reason I know I won’t. At this point I’m just trying to remember why I play the game in the first place - To have fun.

Sam Plaquin
Bonnyville Pontiacs AJHL

Great Advice from Austin Smith

I have been traveling around watching many of the tryouts that are going on. I have seen much pain and disappointment with the players and parents. I see young players who are much better than they are showing dealing with anxiety and stress at very unhealthy levels. One of the young men that I have worked with for a couple of years recently had some big decisions to make. I asked him to share his experience. For any of you out there YOU MUST READ THIS (and remember this is from a 19 year old who has figured out something that will help him the rest of his life).

Thanks Austin for sharing!

It's been a long off season and I hope everyone's excited for the new season that's underway. Many of you will be going to try out for new teams to further your hockey career. That's a whole new experience for every one of you. My realization of "Fear" was what changed my career around. I did not know it at first. With some discussion and insight from Bob, I was able to determine that fear was what was holding me back. Uncertainty caused fear which caused more uncertainty. Until I took a hold of that fear, and locked it out I was not able to control my future. I played many scenarios out in my head. What to do. What to say. What if. It was all caused by fear. I've recently had conversations (asking for a trade) that most people are scared to have. Why be scared and have fear? What's there to fear? You control your thoughts and actions, no one else does (even though it seems like that sometimes). There's no need to have fear of the unknown. Take charge and live. Don't live a life of fear and regret. There will be ups and downs in your career. No matter where you play, every day gives you a chance to go out and get better. My advice to you before your season gets going is go out everyday and work on getting better. Don't fear how your going to play, where your going to play - just give it your all! Don't let fear control you.

Regards,
Austin Smith

April Newsletter - Time to Breathe

 Bob Wilkie

From Professional Player to #1 Mental Performance Coach for Hockey Players in Canada!

 

April Newsletter

Reflection: What just happened?

An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't.
~ Anatole France

One of the toughest times of the year for me was the end of the hockey season.  It was always either bitter or sweet. I cannot recall even at a young age, not experiencing one or the other of them, depending on how the season had gone. 

It was not until later in my pro career that I  realized that it was important for me to understand what I had accomplished over the season. There were plenty of years where I was able to accomplish a lot.  I was fortunate to experience Provincials, Regionals, Nationals, and Professional Championships.  By the time I was 23 I had been a part of a Memorial Cup winning team, U18 National Team, Drafted in the NHL 41st overall, won the Calder Cup, won the Turner Cup, and scored my first NHL goal. At the end of all of those years it was a time of reflection and understanding that the experiences I had just had were shaping me into the man I am today. It was perseverance, dedication, pain, joy, disappointment, frustration, anger, sadness, motivation and fear all showing up in one season!  Each year gave me more to recall, to understand what I had accomplished so I could keep my head high and the build the belief that I could stay strong when things were difficult and challenging.  I guess that where all the wrinkles came from, it often seemed more bitter than sweet.

 A valuable lesson that I learned prior to winning the last championship that I would experience as a player, was to journal.  Mike Eaves was a coach that I had a history with prior to him being my coach in the Pro's. While playing for the Calgary Flames I admired his style of play, he worked very hard, he was also very smart in the way he played (had to be) We had met on a couple of occasions and his insights to me at 15 were gospel. In the early 90's he was starting his coaching career in Hershey for the Bears (Flyers affiliate AHL). Interesting how our paths crossed in Chocolatetown USA and the information he shared with me, the compassion and patience he  gave me created a better perspective on what this game was really all about. He encouraged me to journal and I am so thankful he did. I love to write and it has now become part of my career path.  It allows me to remain clearer than when I kept it inside.  It  was also a reminder of where I had come from and where I was going and  the experience I had gained as a person through it all. The words were the thoughts in my MIND and when they were put on paper they were now a road map for me to use on my journey. A journey that allowed me to travel the World, to see some of the 7 Wonders, to meet wonderful people and experience all that the World has to offer.

Journaling is like a map that continues to show me my course and the reflection it causes allows me to make improvements, to find motivation and create self confidence. 

I highly recommend that you (as a family) all sit down, talk about your season month by month from the start to the finish and  reflect on what this year of experiences provided for you. Look beyond the obvious and look  for the foundational values that you DID LEARN. I guarantee that you will have learned at lest one extremely important life altering lesson.  I hope that you see it and make it a part of who you are. Take your time and give thought to both the bitter and the sweet, grab a nice journal, a good pen and write it all down. It will do more for all of you than you can possible imagine.

For more information on our blogs, free inspiring articles, and empowering programs go you igotmind.ca today!

Sincerely,

Bob Wilkie

I Got Mind, do you?

Trusting the Youth Hockey Process

The Youth Hockey World in Canada is a very important part of our culture.  We love our hockey in Canada and many many families participate in it in a very big way.

The foundation of the dynamic of youth hockey is based on volunteer community boards, volunteer coaches, and volunteer parents.  There are governing bodies who oversee the overall structure but there is no policing of the dynamics that happen at the volunteer level.  Shockingly there is no curriculum or step by step process for volunteer coaches to follow when choosing and deciding to take on the responsibility of a team.  The governing bodies provide very little training for these volunteers.  They are expected to know how to teach these young aspiring athletes when they are not teachers and we as parents expect them to know what to do and how to do it.  What a huge responsibility.

Parents have a huge part to play in the youth hockey world and not just in providing the equipment, money, time, and chauffeuring!  They are expected to support the coach and the players.  Often times the philosophies, skills and abilities of the coach to coach effectively can be challenging to align with.  Unless they have a clear and concise plan of action it can be frustrating to watch. 

Perhaps it is time to provide a curriculum, a step by step on ice technical plan as well as a mental development plan to help us all enjoy the experience more.  If this happens we could all relax and believe in the process to help our young aspiring athletes develop in the way the desire to.

What are your thoughts on this??

Conscious Hockey Mom - What do Sons Learn from Their Mothers?

What sons learn from their mothers is invaluable to their development.  The love of a healthy stable mother makes boys stronger emotionally and psychologically.  Statistics have proven that boys with a strong mother influence do better in the world.  They have more courage and a stronger self of self esteem and self confidence.  Self respect and confidence are vital to every child's development.

Often the bond between mother and her young son can be so strong that it is hard for either one to let go.  There has to be a balance in the relationship where healthy development is allowed.  The Mother is required to know when to let go, to balance the dynamic between supporting and stepping back.  Clinging too tightly at some point will create a power struggle if Mom  does not have clarity around the emotional development best suited for  her son. If Mom makes it all about her need to control, her need to be the most important person in his life, the need to keep him close, there will be a power struggle.

Up to the age of 11-12 your son will look to you for all his  physical, emotionally and spiritual needs.  Shockingly, this can seem to change over night.  As he enters school and sports he will have an inner drive to be independent, to try to find his own way, his own rhythm.  He will not look to you for everything anymore.  If you are not ready for this change you may try to resist it.  This is where the power struggle comes in.  There will be a day when he will seem embarrassed to have you around, to let anyone know he has a good relationship with you.  He may push you away or shut down around you.  This can be alarming for a young mother  and if you are not prepared you may try to stop him from trying to fly.

A Conscious Hockey Mother has a higher awareness of her responsibilities at every stage of development. When a Mother is aware, she does a better job!

The Conscious Hockey Mother's program will provide you with guidance and direction in achieving a perfect balance with your son and allowing a greater rapport and relationship throughout his teen years.

I look forward to sharing this valuable information with you.

Judy